I found a photo album that I’ve never seen before in my living room today and of course they were all pictures of my dad and mom when they were first married. and then there were pictures of my brother when he was a baby. seeing how happy my dad looked really got to me. like every picture with Matt my dad just has the biggest smile on his face. like I don’t know how I’ve never looked at this album before. my dad just looked so full of life in those pictures.
I’ll never see that face again, and that makes me sad as fuck. I have so much I would like to share with him, but I can’t. I’m also stressed out with some things in my life right now and he would be the perfect person to talk to. but again, I can’t.
I see people bitch about the dumbest fucking shit and I seriously just think how much of a dickwad they are because I firmly believe some people don’t fucking realize how much they have. makes me wanna scream.
my dad can’t even see me grow up into the person I wanna be. he won’t see me graduate college, get married (highly unlikely this will happen but), or any other major event in my life, and that makes me angry.
I am such a different person from when he passed away. I for real don’t even know that girl anymore. shit, I don’t even know the girl I was a year ago. I am so damn different now in every sense of the word. physically: I’ve leaned the fuck out. I’m 20 pounds lighter from when my dad died, and fitness is a MAJOR part of my life now. I’m so much more educated. mentally: I feel like the way I look at life is completely different from the way it used to be. I am also so damn independent and have the thought process of ‘holding my own, always.’ I also am alone so much during the week. like Monday - Thursday I am on campus doing my own thing alllllllllllllll day. eating, library, gym, and class. I rarely talk to people until I get back to my apartment and chill with Paige for a little then I go to bed. I used to ALWAYS have to go to class/work out/eat with someone. now I don’t give a flying fuck.
I am a completely different person now. and this sounds weird but I feel like that makes me distant from my dad. right I know he’s dead but it seems as if I’m drifting from him the more I change from who I was. I feel like he’s escaping from my mind because I am changing as an individual.
ima need therapy for this, probably.